A Christmas letter to my one day baby.

Dear Baby, it’s the our third Christmas waiting for you, when I first married your daddy I never imagined we would still be waiting but God had another plan for us. We grew together and fell apart, we’ve been through college, taking jobs a 100 miles from home, and our greatest journey we’ve been through the fight of our lives when your daddy was diagnosed and beat cancer. We thought you would have made your appearance by now and it takes every ounce and every fiber of my body every single day to not mourn the fact that I still have yet to hold you. I’ve grown a lot since we learned you would be a challenge but I find comfort through all the heart ache and pain that you my precious baby will be worth every month of no and silent tears.  Two pink lines has been at the top of my list for a few years now and each year when I get that negative I mourn and pray that the next year will be our year. I don’t know why I do it to myself but I get my hopes up and find my self scrolling social media searching cute ways to announce you to your Mimi, clicking on the sweetest first Christmas ornaments from things remembered the perfect place to put the name that your daddy picked out just for you. I cringe every time I go on social media to find another Christmas themed announcement, I comment my love and continue to the next. I have found my self anxious when it comes to visiting family because when we were younger I never let up a chance to talk babies but now my heart hurts and I play it off as a timing issue and that we have switched our focus to travel, our jobs, or buying our first home. When told to relax and it will happen, don’t force it, it’s in God’s hands I had to find peace in the thought that God doesn’t want me with a baby of my own just yet. I bury my the love I have saved up for you in your beautiful cousin because loving him and seeing his sweet face numbs the ache I haven while waiting for you. I cant wait for the Christmas’s I get to spend with you, the early mornings, your daddy buying the most ridiculous gifts and the traditions from our childhood we will pass on to you. You are the gift we want most and we cant wait for you to make your appearance. We sit, we wait, we pray, we live life until we are able to live for you. Our Christmas wish set for yet another year because baby E you’ll be worth it all. Your momma and daddy love you so much and I know deep in my heart God is perfecting you a little more each day your with him. Hopefully we have your sweet face by next Christmas, until then I’ll pray for your sweet soul, and that God will give me the strength, courage and grace to continue to wait for you my beautiful baby E. 

XOXO

Your momma 

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