Grow through what you go through

I may be a little rusty because I haven’t blogged in like FOREVER, but recently I have felt so blah and I have realized that I miss the no bull sh*t vents I used to have on my blog. A lot has happened since I last wrote and its time to cut the crap and lay it all out on the line. Let me just put it bluntly that my life has been a roller coaster of a shit show. In April Dylan and I visited our Fertility clinic for a 6 month check in and we sat in that office room we had 9 months prior hand in hand hearts in our throats and our Doc walked in and gave it to us straight… As of April there was no baby makin for the Engelsmans. We left there as hopeless as the last time we walked out of that clinic in August. We were crushed. It was many weeks of crying, helplessness, and total outrage for everything we had gone through we just couldn’t seem to catch a break. I am a faithful person, religious no, but faithful yes. And after that blow to the soul I began to really question my faith, I have always thought that God put you on this earth with a purpose, and my purpose was to be a mother. So I struggled hard core with the thought process that if God put me on this earth to be a mother why was he making it so damn hard for me to have a baby. What made it worse, Dylan my loving husband absorbed all that stress and hopelessness onto himself and really felt he was the driving force to my pain because his cancer was the stem of our fertility issues, he felt that his sickness was keeping me from my purpose. It was a vicious cycle of us hurting for each other. And looking back what a pivotal point in our marriage this was! So after a few weeks of pain, and constant sorrow I woke up one day to a quote plastered on some inspirational Instagram page I follow. Grow through what you Go through  This stuck to me like a lightening bolt, it was a new day the sun was shining and I pulled my self by the shoe strings and set forth to reconstruct the damage that had been done. I woke up everyday reciting my new favorite mantra to ensure that those dark thoughts never made it back in my mind. When I finally got my shit together it gave me time to reflect on all the nonsense I had gotten through in a time I never thought it would end. I was bullied through middle school and high school, and I grew into the loving, and forgiving human I am today because of the mean girls who tortured me for my frizzy hair and being a bit chunky. I went from having horrible, unhealthy relationships with boys, wanting nothing more than to be loved to finding the crème de la crème, a boy who at 16 had the patience to put me back together piece by piece, was willing to love me when I felt unlovable, and gave me the self confidence and independence I hope that all women will find one day. And at 21 I quit my job, fought tooth and nail for everything I held near and dear to my heart while sitting next to my husband fight for his life, out of this I have no doubt in my mind I was meant for this man and he was meant for me. We fought together for this life we have and I am living the days that I never thought I would have in that dark place. And I know one day hell or high water I will become a mother. I have became quite the expert at Growing even when I don’t think there is any growing left to do. Because even though God has other plans in his timing with me and becoming a mother, he gave me the best damn husband, and best friend I could ever ask for. And I cant wait for the day that my husband becomes a father. Whether that be naturally, with help from science, or growing our family through adoption I know that when the time is right I have a strong marriage held together strictly with the love and commitment that I have for my husband and that we will give any little human the loving, supportive home that will ensure the childhood and life that dreams are made of. So when life gets hard and the dark side is the only place you seem to be any more you gotta get your happy ass up and learn to look at the light at the end of the tunnel because there are learning points in every struggle and you gotta grow through what you go through. XOXOCaitlyn

5 thoughts on “Grow through what you go through

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  1. You are a beautiful, caring intelligent woman. I admire your positive outlook on growing through the difficult times. You are an inspiration for others on how to handle situations.

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    1. Bev thank you so much! I truly strive to help others through there rough spots by sharing my stories ❤️

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  2. Caitlyn I love that you post the intimate moments of your life. Through your blogs I see a very strong, beautiful, loving woman. You make such a difference to everyone who reads your posts.

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