Boundaries. Creating that thick black line with family and friends

Hello everyone and welcome to the first post of Project Come Back’s relationship portion. I am going to have to warn people that this is going to be pretty raw and may or may not hurt some peoples feelings. But this is a part of my project come back that is so important to myself from myself. I have struggled always with being sometimes to easy going where I put my wants and or needs behind tasks that have been asked from me. I think that this really results from being the oldest child in my family, for both my mom and my dad I think I have been somewhat reliable to whenever they ask something and whatever they ask I usually find time in my schedule to be accommodating. Now the older I have gotten the harder it has been to still be reliable to my parents. I thought there would be a natural progression that when I moved out that the responsibility would flow down the line to my younger siblings. For me this natural progression makes since because I too just like my parents now have a household, bills, and a spouse to care for. Dylan getting cancer to has really shown the lack of lines in our family dynamic on both his side of the family and mine. There was times that I was ridiculed for making and sticking to a decision that others did not find comforting, there were times that decision were made for me and Dylan without our knowledge and or consent, and there were plenty of lines crossed that led to quite a few fights and I’m not proud to say some people almost walking away. We as a husband and wife have really relied to heavily on our parents for stuff in the past, this to me makes sense since we were so young and naive when we went out on our own. This has made it extremely hard to separate ourselves from our mother homes, and has created a lot of animosity in our marriage in the past. Before I wrote this blog I did a lot of research and talked to quite a few people about whether or not I should write this knowing that me expressing this feeling was going to make people either mad, sad, or uncomfortable. I made the decision to write out how I feel because I am trying to work on harvesting the best and most nourishing relationships while simultaneously weeding out relationships that bring nothing positive nor nourishing to my life. I am eliminating any excess stress and inconvenience in my life. Many may read that last statement and scoff that life is all about inconveniences and there is no way to rid your life of inconvenience which I agree with but I am on a quest to minimize inconvenience in my life and focus on harvesting serenity. With that doing away with what causes stress in my relationships is step one. Through my research I found that boundaries are the number one cause of discontent in interpersonal relationships as well as strain in marriages. I am one to tell you that the lack of boundaries on my side of the family and on Dylan’s side of the has been the root of many problems in our marriage. It has been a hard adjustment for both our families I think to cut ties and to allow us to be adults let alone married adults. The best way i think to do this post is to make a list of what I am now expecting out of my interpersonal relationships and if the shoe fits wear it. So lets just get into it.

  1. Please don’t go into my room without being invited in or asking. The safe place of my room was created while still living at home, in a house with 6 kids finding peace and your own space is sometimes well needed and hard. So therefore i have a weird control over my room, unless you are invited in or are told its okay to go in there by Dylan or I, stay out. There is nothing in there for you to see or do trust me.
  2. Don’t ask me super personal questions. I am a pretty open person and this one sometimes can get pretty muddy, but unless I bring up a health problem and/or ask your opinion on something don’t ask a question you wouldn’t ask a stranger. This goes for everyone family and or friends unless I bring it up don’t make my super intimate and personal struggles topic for small talk.
  3. If you have to use terms like TMI, or don’t take offense but, like no stop yourself there I don’t want to know.
  4. My kitchen this again is like my bedroom and i am very particular and protective over my kitchen. Cooking and baking were one of my very first found creative outlets, so i find pride and comfort in my kitchen. I appreciate help if it is asked. But please if you are over while I am cooking or baking don’t come into what I am doing, it is somewhat a comfort zone for me and i get very anxious when people try to take over.
  5. Gifting, this one I have always had kind of a hard time with. Certain times of the year there is an embedded anxiety over gift giving. I feel like there are expectations which leads me to over extending my checkbook and for what to prove my self worthy to that person? No gift giving should be a wholesome experience between two people, it shows you who really knows you best. This new ideology comes from my new found contentment with minimalism, I feel especially some people in my close circle really don’t need anything more in there lives to over crowd and consume there every waking moment. I have had family members put price expectations on gifts I feel like gift giving should not be about quantity but quality and there should not be an expectation for you to gift to people you don’t want to. If I am going to spend money on gifts they will have purpose and meaning not just a price to just be filler.
  6. Decision making this one may ruffle some feathers but this is the one that i really need to get out and talked about. The only people to make decisions about the well being of my family is Me and/or Dylan. PERIOD! There really is no explanation to why someone would be needing to make a decision about us and/or our life. This to me shows  no respect for mine or Dylan’s opinion and think only about themselves. This grinds my gears because when in any other setting would you go out and make a life decision with out consenting a person first? You wouldn’t is the answer, it shows the up most disrespect in my book, and when it has happened to me it made me feel like the most incompetent human being and so small, it did a number on my self esteem to say the least, not to mention it has scared my heart into not fully trusting those relationships.
  7. Don’t put down my job this is one that makes me very upset. I contribute to my household and it is no one’s business to how many hours i work, what my job title is, and or how much i bring home. I use to get slammed with this one all the time when I was a nanny. I would get asked by family members to run errands because I “didn’t have a regular job”  or when i would come home exhausted from the day Dylan would make snide remarks about how hard it could be watching kids all day. When I work i put my heart into it and i don’t do a mediocre job. So no i cant run errands and do this or that for you because i work and when I am not working I am taking care of my household and errands I have to run.

So there we have it sorry not sorry to those who may get butt hurt at this but writing this has defiantly lifted a weight off my shoulders! I have become lighter and now that it is out there I hope that the lines will begin to form. So thank you so much for reading, don’t forget to like your favorite posts, follow the blog and don’t forget to spread the love on social media!

XOXO

Caitlyn

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: